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Bullying (parents)

My name is Cheryl 
Please feel free to contact me at: 

 

Which one are you?

A young woman went to her mother and complained about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it, and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed that as one problem was solved a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs and the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what do you see?"

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they got soft. She then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled, as she tasted its rich aroma.

The daughter then asked, "What's the point, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity--boiling water--but each reacted differently.

The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.

The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which one are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity, do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a break-up, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavour.

If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.

When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate to another level? How do you handle adversity?
Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Get involved. Know what school policies are, and know what's going on with your kids.

Bullying for Parents 

As a society we instil in children the inappropriateness of using violence, often punishing them with violence for being violent. In a bullying situation, responsible adults often become critical of children for not responding to violence with violence by saying "why don't you just stand up for yourself?". Schools have a legal obligation called a "duty of care" to protect children from danger; this duty of care cannot be abdicated and denied by blaming the target of bullying for not standing up for themselves.

MODEL POLICY
PROHIBITING HARASSMENT, INTIMIDATION AND BULLYING
ON SCHOOL PROPERTY, AT SCHOOL-SPONSORED FUNCTIONS
AND ON SCHOOL BUSSES
 
Legislation (N.J.S.A. 18A:37-13 et seq.) enacted on September 6, 2002 requires each school district to adopt, by September 1, 2003, a policy prohibiting harassment, intimidation and bullying on school property, at school-sponsored functions and on school busses. To assist each school district in developing these policies, the legislation also requires the Commissioner of Education to develop and issue a model policy applicable to grades kindergarten through 12, by December 1, 2002.

What is bullying?
Bullying is persistent unwelcome behaviour, mostly using unwarranted or invalid criticism, nit-picking, fault-finding, also exclusion, isolation, being singled out and treated differently, being shouted at, humiliated, excessive monitoring, having verbal and written warnings imposed, and much more

 
Bullying can include:
Name calling
Threats
Extortion
Damage to your belongings
Physical violence
Spreading malicious rumours
Exclusion

If the bully does not have to be accountable for his actions then he will continue to bully.

Why do people bully?
The purpose of bullying is to hide inadequacy.
 
Bullies project their inadequacy on to others:

a) to avoid facing up to their inadequacy and doing something about it;
b) to avoid accepting responsibility for their behaviour and the effect it has on others, and, 
c) to reduce their fear of being seen for what they are, namely a weak, inadequate and often incompetent individuals, and,
d) to divert attention away from their inadequacy - in an insecure or badly-managed workplace, this is how inadequate, incompetent and aggressive employees keep their jobs.

Bullying is an inefficient way of working, resulting in disenchantment, demoralisation, demotivation, disaffection, and alienation.

Bullying...
is a form of abuse, and bullies often go to great lengths to keep their targets quiet, using threats of disciplinary action, dismissal, and gagging clauses. What bullies fear most is exposure of their inadequacy and being called publicly to account for their behavior and its consequences. This makes sense when you remember that the purpose of bullying is to hide inadequacy, and people who bully to hide their inadequacy are often incompetent.

A bully is a person who

  • has never learnt to accept responsibility for their behaviour
  • wants to enjoy the benefits of living in the adult world, but who is unable and unwilling to accept the responsibilities that are a prerequisite for being part of the adult world.
  • abdicates and denies responsibility for their behaviour and its consequences (abdication and denial are common features of bullying)
  • is unable and unwilling to recognise the effect of their behaviour on others
  • does not want to know of any other way of behaving
  • is unwilling to recognise that there could be better ways of behaving.

Bullying is obsessive and compulsive; the serial bully has to have someone to bully and appears to be unable to survive without a current target.

Bullies are seething with resentment, bitterness, hatred and anger, and often have wide-ranging prejudices as a vehicle for dumping their anger onto others. Bullies are driven by jealousy and envy. Rejection  is another powerful motivator of bullying.

How do bullies select their targets?

The bully selects their target using the following criteria:

  • bullies are predatory and opportunistic - you just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time; this is always the main reason - investigation will reveal a string of predecessors, and you will have a string of successors
  • being good at your job, often excelling
  • being popular with people more than anything else, the bully fears exposure of his/her inadequacy and incompetence; your presence, popularity and competence unknowingly and unwittingly fuel that fear
  • being the expert and the person to whom others come for advice, either personal or professional (ie you get more attention than the bully)
  • having a well-defined set of values which you are unwilling to compromise
  • having a strong sense of integrity (bullies despise integrity, for they have none, and seem compelled to destroy anyone who has integrity)
  • having at least one vulnerability that can be exploited
  • being too old or too expensive (usually both)
  • refusing to join an established clique
  • showing independence of thought or deed
  • refusing to become a corporate clone and drone

Jealousy and envy are strong motivators of bullying.

Personal qualities that bullies find irresistible

Targets of bullying usually have these qualities:

  • popularity (this stimulates jealousy in the less-than-popular bully)
  • competence (this stimulates envy in the less-than-competent bully)
  • intelligence and intellect
  • honesty and integrity (which bullies despise)
  • you're trustworthy, trusting, conscientious, loyal and dependable
  • a well-developed integrity which you're unwilling to compromise
  • you're always willing to go that extra mile and expect others to do the same
  • successful, tenacious, determined, courageous, having fortitude
  • a sense of humour, including displays of quick-wittedness
  • imaginative, creative, innovative
  • idealistic, optimistic, always working for improvement and betterment of self, family, the employer, and the world
  • ability to master new skills
  • ability to think long term and to see the bigger picture
  • sensitivity (this is a constellation of values to be cherished including empathy, concern for others, respect, tolerance etc)
  • slow to anger
  • helpful, always willing to share knowledge and experience
  • giving and selfless
  • difficulty saying no
  • diligent, industrious
  • tolerant
  • strong sense of honour
  • irrepressible, wanting to tackle and correct injustice wherever you see it
  • an inability to value oneself whilst attributing greater importance and validity to other people's opinions of oneself (eg through tests, exams, appraisals, manager's feedback, etc)
  • low propensity to violence (ie you prefer to resolve conflict through dialogue rather than through violence or legal action)
  • a strong forgiving streak (which the bully exploits and manipulates to dissuade you from taking grievance and legal action)
  • a desire to always think well of others
  • being incorruptible, having high moral standards which you are unwilling to compromise
  • being unwilling to lower standards
  • a strong well-defined set of values which you are unwilling to compromise or abandon
  • high expectations of those in authority and a dislike of incompetent people in positions of power who abuse power
  • a tendency to self-deprecation, indecisiveness, deference and approval seeking
  • low assertiveness
  • a need to feel valued
  • quick to apologise when accused, even if not guilty (this is a useful technique for defusing an aggressive customer or potential road rage incident)
  • perfectionism
  • higher-than-average levels of dependency, naivety and guilt
  • a strong sense of fair play and a desire to always be reasonable
  • high coping skills under stress, especially when the injury to health becomes apparent
  • a tendency to internalise anger rather than express it

http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/bully.htm

 
Myths and misperceptions about school bullying
There's no bullying here
Ignore it
Stand up for yourself
Victims of bullying typically do not retaliate
Bullying toughens you up
Bullying is a rite of passage we all have to go through
Bullying is part of life, you've just got to accept it
There's no law against bullying so it must be OK
People who get bullied are wimps
Only weak people are bullied
Bullies prey on the weak
Bullies are psychologically strong
Victims are unlikeable
Victims lack social skills
Victims blame themselves for their problems
Victims are afraid to go to school
Everyone is capable of bullying
Children who are bullied grow up to be tougher people
Bullies are tough people
Violence on TV makes children violent
Playing violent video games makes children violent
We operate a no blame approach here
We follow the academic model of classifying victims of bullying as passive victims, provocative victims, colluding victims, and false victims
Children who are bullied are passive
Children who are bullied are shy loners
You're too sensitive
You shouldn't sue for bullying because it prolongs victimhood
Bullies and victims are connected to each other, they are two sides of the same coin. We can think of bullying as a friendship that can't find a way to work.
Bullies are popular children
Bullies have high self-esteem
You'll never get rid of bullying so let's concentrate on teaching victims how to assert themselves

Parents' Primer on School Bullying
 

Parents and families Would you know if your child was being bullied? Would you know what to do if they were? Click here to find out.

http://www.dfes.gov.uk/bullying/parentsandindex.shtml

Center for Safe Schools
a clearinghouse for information related to school safety, violence prevention and positive outcomes for students, teachers and communities. The Center fulfills this function through a Resource Lending Library, Development of Publications, and Resource Dissemination.

Bullying Prevention: Recommendations for Parents

10 Reasons the school says NO
1. The school does not want to change long-standing procedures.

2. The school does not want to make exceptions to existing policies or practices.

OR we have never done that before.

3. The school is afraid of setting a precedent.

4. The school does not have the staff to meet the child’s needs.

5. The staff is not trained to meet the child’s needs.

6. The school does not have a program to meet the child’s needs.

7. The school is committed to their one-size-fits all service delivery models.

8. The school believes the services your child needs are too expensive.

9. The school is overwhelmed by the complexity of your child’s needs.

10. The school does not understand the legal requirement to provide your child with a safe environment.

How to combat child bullying and tackle bullying at school
Excerpts summarised from Neil Marr and Tim Field's book

If a child is exhibiting bullying behaviour, the questions to ask are "why does this child have a lot of internal aggression?" and "why does this child need to displace their internal aggression onto other children?", and "why has this child not learned how to interact with other children in a non-violent manner?".

The Best No Bullying Websites
"All the no bullying information you wwill ever need is gathered right here.

What's a parent to do?
Helping families deal with bullying and with kids who are out of control
 

Case Studies

Case studies provide further reading to accompany the Department's anti-bullying pack, Don't Suffer in Silence and links to some websites about bullying in schools

http://www.dfes.gov.uk/bullying/caseindex.shtml

Home education for your child
Home schooling and home tuition due to bullying at school etc

Case law and out-of-court settlements
for child bullying and school bullying

Links to sites & organizations tackling child & school bullying

Books, Publications, and Reports

Child bullying and school bullying
Books, publications, reports

Books for Children, Young Adults and Adults

 
"The Gift of Fear "
"Protecting the Gift "
written by Gavin De Becker
Both books are excellent for advice on keeping our children, and ourselves, safe, and there is information on bullying in Protecting the Gift.
De Becker also has a Web site that you may visit

Advocating for your child:
You are often the expert when it comes to your child, you see how the bullying affects them, and know how they generally cope with situations and what would be helpful to them. Additionally, no other person is going to care about the safety and well-being of your child as much as you do. Adults are often afraid to report bullying for the same reasons children are: they are afraid they will make things worse, because they are embarrassed, ashamed,or simply don't know what to do. Quite often, they are afraid to get involved because they fear being labeled as an overprotective parent, or believe that there must be something there child can do for themselves to stop the bullying.It may surprise you to know that in the majority of cases, once the bullies have been spoken to about the bullying, the bullying will stop. Don't be afraid to call the school, the coach, group leader, or even the parents of the bully if it happens outside of an organized activity.and ask them to talk to the child who is doing the bullying. Quite often, the bullying will end once it has been "found out" and the child has been talked to and told to stop.

Helpful Tips

Document all incidents with dates, details, names and who you talked to and what their response was.
 
Document all telephone conversations.
 
Keep copies of everything.
 
Ask for copies of the incident reports from the school--if important information has been omitted, document it and let school administration know.
 
Obtain a copy of the schools anti bullying program.
 
Write a letter to school administration expressing your concern of bullying and harassment.
Tell them that you want it on record that your child is being harassed and bullied.
This also creates proof of your concern, proof that you tried to correct the situation and creates a paper trail.
 
Tape record meetings. Yes, this can be done.
How & Why to Tape Record Meetings
 
Take someone to the meeting with you.
It can be absolutely any one that you trust.

Support Agencies

If after speaking to the school teachers, counselors, principal, assistant principal and superintendant you can not get bullying stopped here are some very helpful agencies.
 
I have listed the agencies and phone numbers that I called in my area (Ky). There should be the same department or a similar one in your area.
 
I would like to commend all of these departments for their professionalism, information and help!
 
Don't forget to document, document, document!
 
It also helps to talk calmly and tell the worker who referred you to them.
 
If all else fails get a lawyer.

Local Resources

Get the childs doctor/s involved.

Local Board of Education
Pupil Personnel and Superintendant
474-6696

Social Services
474-5103

Ky Youth Advocate
1 502-895-8167

Ky State Inspector General
1-859-246-2303

Ky Center for School Safety
1 -877-805-4277

Protection & Advocacy
1-800-372-2988

National Resources

United States Department of Education

Safe and Drug Free Schools
202-260-3954
http://www.ed.gov/offices/oese/sdfs

Safe Schools and Violence Prevention Office

Safe Schools: A Planning Guide for Action
916-323-2183
http://www.cde.ca.gov/spbranch/safety/safetyhome.html

Safe Schools, Safe Students (manual)

A guide to Violence Prevention Strategies
202-663-6090
http://www.drugstrategies.org

Center for Safe Schools

Toolkit for School Safety Planning
http://www.center-school.org

Crisis Prevention Institute, Inc.

Non Violent Crisis Intervention Training Programs
800-558-8976
http://www.crisisprevention.com

Youth Crime Watch America

Peer programs to reduce crime and drugs in schools
305-670-2409
http://www.ycwa.org

National PTA

800-307-4782
http://www.pta.org

National School Safety Center

805-373-9977
http://www.nssc1.org

National Institute for Dispute Resolution and National Association for Mediation in Education

202-466-4764
http://www.crenet.org

National Crime Prevention Council

202-466-6272
http://www.ncpc.org

American Association of School Administrators

703-528-0700
http://www.aasa.org

Big Brothers Big Sisters of America

215-567-7000
http://www.bbbsa.org

Boys and Girls Clubs of America

404-815-5700
http://www.bgca.org

Center for the Prevention of School Violence

800-299-6054
http://www2.ncsu.edu/ncsu/cep/PreViolence

National Resource Center for Safe Schools (NRCSS)
101 SW Main, Suite 500, Portland, OR 97204
1-800-268-2275 or (503) 275-0131
(503) 275-0444

Child Abuse Prevention Services

"Bully Proofing Your School"

A comprehensive program for schools that addresses bully/victim problems. "Bully Proofing Your School" is available in both elementary and middle school versions from Sopris West at:

Sopris West
4093 Specialty Place
Longmont, Colorado 80504

800-547-6747

http://www.sopriswest.com

Stop Bullying Now is a site with links to what works and doesn't work to stop bullying, teacher training and student training workshops, teaching kids to care, and much more.

Anti Bullying Resources
Information and links focusing on bullying awareness, prevention, and anti-bullying policy implementation.

Web Resources for Parents & Teachers

Bullying Among Young Adolescents: The Strong, the Weak and the Troubled: The largest investigation to date on bullying and victimization among urban ethnic minority youth finds that there are significant differences between bullies, victims and students who are both, suggesting that different kinds of intervention are in order. Victims suffer emotional distress, but are unlikely to draw attention to their difficulties. Students who are both bullies and victims are by far the most troubled, socially ostracized by their peers, the least engaged in school and the most likely to display conduct problems. Bullies tend to enjoy high social status among their peers, even though classmates tend to avoid their company: abstract:
 

Bullying, It's Not Okay: Brochure for parents contains sections on "When your Child is the Victim," "When your Child is the Bully," and "When your Child is a Bystander." It was jointly produced by the Washington State Medical Association, the Washington State Chapter of the American Academy of Pediatrics, and the Washington State Attorney General's Office. It is now available free online:

Stop Bullying Now: web site with some interactive sections for elementary-aged children as well as great, downloadable handouts for adults, from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services' Health Resources and Services Administration:
 

Take Action Against Bullying: a free 12-page handout for parents from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services' Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration:

What If Your Child is Being Bullied? There are concrete strategies you can teach your child to help him or her  protect themselves from a bully, but sometimes notifying school authorities is important:
 

Schwab Learning
Understanding Bullying and its Impact on Kids with Learning Disabilities or ADHD

Bullying: Peer Abuse in Schools

 
Source: Preventing Bullying - A Manual for Schools and Communities
US Department of Education 11/3/1998
 
 

Mothers Against Violence In America (MAVIA)
Bullying Prevention ... children (ages 8-14) with concrete techniques for dealing with the important issue of bullying in school ...

BULLYING
It's Not Just Child's Play!
What Parent's Can Do About It
 
 

Anti Bullying Network

 
 
 
My Letter to the school
 
 

           BCC:

Mr Prichard, Mrs. Fielding, Mr. Salyers, Mr. Allen Hall, Mrs.J.Town, Mrs. Kouns, Mrs. HR Dowd, Letter to the editor,

 

To Whom It May Concern,

I am writing to express my concern, for my child, Zachary Craig, being harassed and bullied at East Carter Middle School with little intervention and a lot of minimizing by the school administration.

Not only has he been physically hurt but it is also affecting him mentally.

This letter will be BCC'd to the above listed.

I have spoke with administration after each incident and gotten:

1. I (the asst. principal) and the staff are in the hall, there are monitors, there is a policeman

2. There is no report, administration/staff doesn't see it happen

3. Administration has told another staff member, within ear shot, that my child is a "tattletale"

4. He has been told not to interrupt, when he tries to tell a staff member, then afraid that he will be late, goes on to his next class

Many victims don’t report it to their parents or teachers because they’re embarrassed or humiliated by the bullying. They may assume that adults will accuse them of tattling or will tell them to deal with it themselves.

http://www.fcppq.qc.ca/docs/en/reference/enfant_ecole_ado/2002_01_en.htm

When you fail to recognize and stop bullying behavior as it occurs, you actually promote violence. You are saying to the bully, "You have the right to hurt people," and to the victim, "You are not worth protecting."

http://www.mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/publications/allpubs/SVP-0056/

5. I have been told that maybe he needs a medicine adjustment---school officials can not discuss medicine, they are not doctors and can not prescribe or decide not to prescribe medications.

December 3, 2004
NEW FEDERAL LAW OUTLAWS SCHOOLS FROM FORCING
PARENTS TO DRUG KIDS
 
 
If you are a parent/caregiver and have been pressured or coerced to drug your child via
the school system for subjective diagnoses
like ADHD please sign the petition !! 

            6. I noticed that he had big feet, maybe we need to see if he has problems walking up/down stairs

7. maybe the dizziness is from his new glasses----new frames NOT a new prescription.

8. the other child denies it

Naturally, bullies don’t discuss their bullying  with their parents or teachers. If their bullying behavior is reported and their parents confront them, bullies usually deny their involvement.

9, What is he doing to cause him to be picked on--surely he is doing something--

Children with ADHD are often victimized,   because other children see them as being weak. "These kids already have low self-esteem and are vulnerable. Sometimes they completely avoid social situations because they are afraid of being picked on and bullied.

Whether their child is bullying or being bullied, parents/teachers and administration  should respond, because bullying doesn't just go away.

http://www.schwablearning.org/articles.asp?r=692&f=relatedlink

 

The victim will go to great lengths to avoid resorting to violence, as they have been taught by parents, teachers and society. As a society we instill in children the inappropriateness of using violence, often punishing them with violence for being violent. In a bullying situation, responsible adults often become critical of children for not responding to violence with violence by saying "why don't you just stand up for yourself?". Schools have a legal obligation called a "duty of care" to protect children from danger; this duty of care cannot be abdicated and denied by blaming the target of bullying for not standing up for themselves.

http://www.bullyonline.org/schoolbully/tackle.htm

 

Why do people bully?
The purpose of bullying is to hide inadequacy.
 
Bullies project their inadequacy on to others:

a) to avoid facing up to their inadequacy and doing something about it;
b) to avoid accepting responsibility for their behavior and the effect it has on others, and, 
c) to reduce their fear of being seen for what they are, namely a weak, inadequate and often incompetent individuals, and,
d) to divert attention away from their inadequacy - in an insecure or badly-managed workplace, this is how inadequate, incompetent and aggressive employees keep their jobs.

Bullying is an inefficient way of working, resulting in disenchantment, demoralization, demotivation, disaffection, and alienation.

Bullying...
is a form of abuse, and bullies often go to great lengths to keep their targets quiet, using threats of disciplinary action, dismissal, and gagging clauses. What bullies fear most is exposure of their inadequacy and being called publicly to account for their behavior and its consequences. This makes sense when you remember that the purpose of bullying is to hide inadequacy, and people who bully to hide their inadequacy are often incompetent.

A bully is a person who

  • has never learnt to accept responsibility for their behavior
  • wants to enjoy the benefits of living in the adult world, but who is unable and unwilling to accept the responsibilities that are a prerequisite for being part of the adult world.
  • abdicates and denies responsibility for their behavior and its consequences (abdication and denial are common features of bullying)
  • is unable and unwilling to recognize the effect of their behavior on others
  • does not want to know of any other way of behaving
  • is unwilling to recognize that there could be better ways of behaving.

Bullying is obsessive and compulsive; the serial bully has to have someone to bully and appears to be unable to survive without a current target.

Bullies are seething with resentment, bitterness, hatred and anger, and often have wide-ranging prejudices as a vehicle for dumping their anger onto others. Bullies are driven by jealousy and envy. Rejection  is another powerful motivator of bullying.

How do bullies select their targets?

The bully selects their target using the following criteria:

  • bullies are predatory and opportunistic - you just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time; this is always the main reason - investigation will reveal a string of predecessors, and you will have a string of successors
  • being good at your job, often excelling
  • being popular with people more than anything else, the bully fears exposure of his/her inadequacy and incompetence; your presence, popularity and competence unknowingly and unwittingly fuel that fear
  • being the expert and the person to whom others come for advice, either personal or professional (i.e. you get more attention than the bully)
  • having a well-defined set of values which you are unwilling to compromise
  • having a strong sense of integrity (bullies despise integrity, for they have none, and seem compelled to destroy anyone who has integrity)
  • having at least one vulnerability that can be exploited
  • being too old or too expensive (usually both)
  • refusing to join an established clique
  • showing independence of thought or deed
  • refusing to become a corporate clone and drone

Jealousy and envy are strong motivators of bullying.

Personal qualities that bullies find irresistible

Targets of bullying usually have these qualities:

  • popularity (this stimulates jealousy in the less-than-popular bully)
  • competence (this stimulates envy in the less-than-competent bully)
  • intelligence and intellect
  • honesty and integrity (which bullies despise)
  • you're trustworthy, trusting, conscientious, loyal and dependable
  • a well-developed integrity which you're unwilling to compromise
  • you're always willing to go that extra mile and expect others to do the same
  • successful, tenacious, determined, courageous, having fortitude
  • a sense of humor, including displays of quick-wittedness
  • imaginative, creative, innovative
  • idealistic, optimistic, always working for improvement and betterment of self, family, the employer, and the world
  • ability to master new skills
  • ability to think long term and to see the bigger picture
  • sensitivity (this is a constellation of values to be cherished including empathy, concern for others, respect, tolerance etc)
  • slow to anger
  • helpful, always willing to share knowledge and experience
  • giving and selfless
  • difficulty saying no
  • diligent, industrious
  • tolerant
  • strong sense of honor
  • irrepressible, wanting to tackle and correct injustice wherever you see it
  • an inability to value oneself whilst attributing greater importance and validity to other people's opinions of oneself (e.g. through tests, exams, appraisals, manager's feedback, etc)
  • low propensity to violence (i.e. you prefer to resolve conflict through dialogue rather than through violence or legal action)
  • a strong forgiving streak (which the bully exploits and manipulates to dissuade you from taking grievance and legal action)
  • a desire to always think well of others
  • being incorruptible, having high moral standards which you are unwilling to compromise
  • being unwilling to lower standards
  • a strong well-defined set of values which you are unwilling to compromise or abandon
  • high expectations of those in authority and a dislike of incompetent people in positions of power who abuse power
  • a tendency to self-deprecation, indecisiveness, deference and approval seeking
  • low assertiveness
  • a need to feel valued
  • quick to apologize when accused, even if not guilty (this is a useful technique for defusing an aggressive customer or potential road rage incident)
  • perfectionism
  • higher-than-average levels of dependency, naivety and guilt
  • a strong sense of fair play and a desire to always be reasonable
  • high coping skills under stress, especially when the injury to health becomes apparent
  • a tendency to internalize anger rather than express it

Reasons for being picked on include being fat, thin, tall, short, hair or skin color, being quiet, wearing glasses, having big ears, small ears, sticky-out ears, crooked teeth, being from a different culture, having different likes or dislikes, the "wrong" clothes, unwillingness to use strength to defend him or herself, or any perceived or fabricated "excuse". These excuses have one thing in common: they are all irrelevant.

http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/bully.htm

Facts About Bullying

4% of children in grades K-3 are targets of bullying. This increases after grade 3.

Nearly 30% of students in grades 6-10 are involved in bullying or being bullied by others.
Bullying is the most common form of violence in our society.
From 1994-1999 there were 253 violent deaths in school.
Bullying is most often a factor in school deaths.
Many children who are bullied suffer long-term psychological effects.
Many victims of bullying do not tell an adult about their situation.
More than 60% of people who bullied in grades 6-9 have least one criminal conviction by age 24.
Membership in either bully or victim groups is associated with school drop out, poor psycho social adjustment, criminal activity and other negative long -term consequences.
Bullying can lead victims to have suicidal thoughts or actions and thoughts or actions of revenge on the bully.

Sources of information:

Wintle, C. Stopping Bullying at School a Curriculum for grades 5-8 by (2002).
Bullies, Victims, & Bystanders: Intervention Strategies, Handout by Steve Berk, Ph.D. Weston, MA.
Rigby, K. Bullying in Schools and What to do about it. (Ontario: Pembroke l998).

 

This is supposed to be from "adults"?

This is from a school that states in the student handbook--"Our school will be free of intimidation,and fear; promote learning in an environment of mutual respect between students, teachers, administrators & other employees and be a place where there is fairness, firmness & consistency."

This is what is expected of the school

School administrators, teachers, and staff

The school administrators, teachers, and staff should take bullying problems seriously. The school should investigate the situation and let me know what steps they’re taking to help stop the bullying.

Written school policies and rules against bullying, harassment, and intimidation should be in place — and be enforced. Take a proactive approach to bullying, not a reactive one which will be too late.

Teachers and administrators should speak to the bully and his parents. They should also tell him what the consequences will be if he doesn't stop bullying others. If the bullying continues, the school should enforce the pre-determined consequences immediately.

Teachers and administrators should increase adult supervision in the areas of the school campus where bullying incidents are most likely to occur.

School personnel should be well informed about the children who are being victimized by bullies so they can monitor and provide support to the victims as needed. They should also communicate often with the victims' parents to tell them how the situation is being handled at school.

The Ky Center for School Safety has a program for professional development training, where  staff are taught to identify bullying, what to do when approached by a child & how to handle it

1-877-805-4277 (John)

I suggest that this program be implemented immediately so that the victims' are no longer called tattletales and so that they don't have to deal with Bullies themselves. It's also important to respond in a positive and accepting manner. Let your child know it's not his or her fault, and that he or she did the right thing by telling you.

 I expect full cooperation from the school to resolve the problem. The result of reducing bullying in our schools is an improved school environment that is friendly and welcoming to all students. In schools where children feel protected from bullying, they are free to spend their day learning, building friendships, and dream about all the possibilities for their lives.

Why in light of all the violence in schools today that has escalated from being picked on and turned into tragedies, has this been allowed to continue.

It even happened RIGHT HERE in Carter County, Jan 18, 1993

http://www.keepmedia.com/pubs/USNewsWorldReport/1993/11/08/234714?extID=10037&oliID=229

Bullying can leave scars throughout adulthood, impairing performance and preventing people achieving their potential. The psychiatric injury from bullying in childhood may also cause long-term damage to both physical health and mental health.

The long-term effects were recorded in a survey undertaken by Kidscape and reported at a conference in 1998. The survey has been reproduced in Kidscape's 1000 book Bully Free

(http://www.kidscape.org.uk/publications/publicationsindex.shtml).

 

 

print & take with me:

Myths and misperceptions about school bullying
There's no bullying here
Ignore it
Stand up for yourself
Victims of bullying typically do not retaliate
Bullying toughens you up
Bullying is a rite of passage we all have to go through
Bullying is part of life, you've just got to accept it
There's no law against bullying so it must be OK
People who get bullied are wimps
Only weak people are bullied
Bullies prey on the weak
Bullies are psychologically strong
Victims are unlikable
Victims lack social skills
Victims blame themselves for their problems
Victims are afraid to go to school
Everyone is capable of bullying
Children who are bullied grow up to be tougher people
Bullies are tough people
Violence on TV makes children violent
Playing violent video games makes children violent
We operate a no blame approach here
We follow the academic model of classifying victims of bullying as passive victims, provocative victims, colluding victims, and false victims
Children who are bullied are passive
Children who are bullied are shy loners
You're too sensitive
You shouldn't sue for bullying because it prolongs victimhood
Bullies and victims are connected to each other, they are two sides of the same coin. We can think of bullying as a friendship that can't find a way to work.
Bullies are popular children
Bullies have high self-esteem
You'll never get rid of bullying so let's concentrate on teaching victims how to assert themselves

 


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